A Disgruntled Valentine's Day
by Hathen
Summary: A story I wrote a while ago. Brought it back for Valentine's Day. Mwar.


I wrote this while I was high on something. Probably anesthetic, since it was right after I was done pulling my wisdom teeth. Ouch. That said, most characters in here are out of character. As are the renditions of the board members.  
  
A Disgruntled Valentine's Day  
  
------------  
  
"Ashton, what are you doing?" Rainchild asked as she watched Ashton scribbling furiously on a piece of pink paper with his pink crayon, cursing the crayon's inability to show.  
  
"Making a valentine." Came the reply.  
  
"For who?" Kyarorain asked.  
  
"Mia."  
  
"Why?" Mikaa questioned.  
  
"I figure, since The Lost Age came out, all visage of Mia/Isaac disappeared..."  
  
"SHUT UP!" A giant rock tossed by Isaac/Mia fans missed Ashton's head by millimeters... a thousand millimeters. Ha!  
  
"...and Isaac belongs to Jenna now..."  
  
"NO, he belongs to me!" screamed Rainchild angrily at Ashton.  
  
"... I get Mia, since there's no evidence that anybody can be paired with her."  
  
"What about Alex?" Mikaa asked.  
  
"Shut up. Alex ... won't be sending her a Valentine this year."  
  
"Uh, why not?" Kyarorain asked.  
  
"And why do you like Mia anyways?" Rainchild asked.  
  
"Because! I like her! And we're even the same type of adept!"  
  
"Are not." Kyarorain contradicted.  
  
"Are too." Ashton retorted.  
  
"Are not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"Prove it."  
  
"Alright, then, watch this. HEALING RAIN!"  
  
Ashton raised his hand, and down fell an onslaught of water.  
  
"There, believe me now?"  
  
"You moron!" Rainchild screamed, "You just flung something that made the automatic sprinklers go off! I'm drenched now!"  
  
The three decided to leave Ashton to his stupidities and left him scribbling on his paper.  
  
-----------  
  
"Hm, that's not a bad idea. Making a valentine..." Mikaa decided to make one for Sheba, and grabbed a box of crayons ... just as Felix and Ivan grabbed them.  
  
"...I'll be using these." Felix said.  
  
"No, I will." Mikaa insisted.  
  
"No, me!" Ivan decided.  
  
"For what?" questioned Mikaa.  
  
"Making a valentine." Felix replied.  
  
"To who?" Ivan asked.  
  
"Sheba." Came the reply.  
  
"No, I'M making a valentine for Sheba." Mikaa insisted.  
  
"No, I am." Felix said.  
  
"No, me." Ivan retorted  
  
"ME!" Mikka yelled.  
  
Mikaa and Felix's foreheads crashed as lightning shot from their eyes, clashing. Ivan looked on.  
  
"Let go of the crayons, SINNER!" Felix yelled.  
  
"Never! Give me the crayons, or give me DEATH!" Mikaa proclaimed.  
  
"SO BE IT." Felix decided.  
  
Felix and Mikaa the proceed to hurl punches at each other ... with their free hands... while still holding the crayon box. Ivan was trying all he could to dodge the punches and was biting their hands to make them let go of the crayon box ... until the two of them smashed his head with their fists... at the same time.  
  
------  
  
"What's wrong with them?" Rainchild asked as she walked into the room. Felix, Ivan, and Mikaa were still brawling, and snapped crayons and ripped paper were strewn everywhere.  
  
"Well, as long is it doesn't interfere with me..."  
  
In came Jenna, who plopped down in a chair, and started drawing on a piece of paper. Rainchild grabbed a box of crayons, and started drawing as well.  
  
"So, who are you making a valentine for?"  
  
"Isaac. What about you?"  
  
"Isaac."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Just so you know," Jenna said, "Isaac's gonna pick me."  
  
"I'm not going to lose to you." Rainchild claimed.  
  
"Too late."  
  
The two glared daggers at each other before going back to work, each eyeing the others' work and trying to outdo the other. Soon, they finished their Valentines... at the exact same time. And the Valentines looked exactly the same. After insulting each other's valentine, they realized that they were also talking about their own. They promptly tossed their valentines into the incinerator and grabbed new paper and crayons to continue work on their valentine war.  
  
------  
  
"That's an awfully girly valentine."  
  
"What, ALEX?!" Ashton yelled. His surprised expression quickly became annoyance. "So what valentine do YOU have?"  
  
"I don't bother with crude scissors and crayons. I prefer to buy mine."  
  
"Is that it? Ah ha..." Ashton saw the valentine Alex was trying to hide, and began laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you're valentine's even girlier, without the feeling, too! And what's it say?"  
  
Ashton ripped the valentine out of Alex's hands and read it.  
  
"HA HA HA HA! 'You will be mine whether you like it or not!' EVEN YOUR VALENTINES ARE MEGALOMANIAC!"  
  
"Megalomaniac isn't a word, you nimrod."  
  
"Yes it is. My spellcheck isn't detecting anything wrong with it."  
  
"Well, at least I don't have hearts and ribbons on it, like yours. So girly."  
  
"Whatever, go away."  
  
"As you wish."  
  
As Alex walked away, he whispered "Wuss."  
  
At the same time, Ashton mumbled, "Creep."  
  
The two promptly turned around and screamed at each other, "What did you say?!"  
  
"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, FREAK?!"  
  
"YOU'RE the freak, you and your BLACK HAIR!"  
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Well, let's have it out here and now, you moron."  
  
"Sticks and stones, my dear Ashton, sticks and stones."  
  
"That's it, I'm gonna close your mouth for good now!" Ashton yelled. He and Alex started fighting...  
  
"If you don't catch cold and DIE from the draft first!"  
  
---------  
  
"That's a nice valentine, Sheba." Kyarorain said.  
  
"Thanks." Sheba said, smiling.  
  
"Who's it for?"  
  
"Felix!" Sheba chirped perkily.  
  
"I see..."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Curious, Sheba read Kyarorain's mind.  
  
"Hey, no fair! You want to make a valentine's for Felix, too!"  
  
"What th... you read my mind, you little brat!"  
  
"Hmph, well, it doesn't matter, since Felix likes me more."  
  
"Ha! That's what you think! Who do you think he'll pick, a pretty 16-year- old girl like me, or some 14-year-old who hasn't even finished puberty?"  
  
"That's not true! You're terrible! Felix cares about more than just that!"  
  
"You know I'm right!"  
  
"May the better woman win, then!"  
  
"Yup, may the better woman wi... wait, you're not a woman yet."  
  
"Quiet!"  
  
-----------  
  
Isaac and Darkcomet had started fighting long before they even knew that the other was making a valentine for Jenna. After they both found out, what was a temporary truce became an all out war as Isaac began casting his most feared attacks, but Darkcomet was blocking them with the power of his powerfully powered powerful Gameboy Advance™.  
  
Unfotunately, this meant that Darkcomet couldn't do anything either, so the brawl was basically a stalemate. In fact, nearly every battle was at a stalemate. Mikaa, Felix, and Ivan were pounding on each other. Rainchild and Jenna had scrapped over 20 valentines because they kept ending up as nothing more than copies of one another. Garet had returned and began fighting Ashton to the death, but Ashton was drained after tying up Alex and tossing him into the sea. Sheba was wrapping a tape ruler around her chest to measure how big hers was. Kyarorain was busy trying to outdo Sheba's valentine. The entire room was in chaos.  
  
"Hey, I'm back! ..." Mia entered the room, and ... got a strange look on her face.  
  
"Uh, what are you all doing? Felix, Mikaa, Ivan, what are you three doing on the floor, ad why are you all bleeding? What's with all the burned paper? Kyarorain, why are you crumpling up so much paper? Sheba, why are you..." Mia trailed off. "...measuring your chest?"  
  
Ashton and Garet suddenly stopped fighting, and Alex suddenly teleported into the room. The three of them rushed at Mia to give her their valentines, but to their dismay...  
  
"Eaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhh!!!!!"  
  
Mia shrieked, and giant ice blocks flew through the air and crushed all three of them.  
  
"Does this mean..." Garet said.  
  
"...I've been..." Alex trailed.  
  
"...rejected?" Ashton asked.  
  
And so, the chaos ended abruptly. For a little while at least.  
  
*****  
  
Piers looked at the fanfiction document.  
  
"Wait! Why am I not in here?"  
  
"Nobody likes you." Ashton replied.  
  
"But... but... I have long hair! And I have a dream body! What's wrong with being perfect?"  
  
"...everything."  
  
"Hey, just because Mia thought you were a Gremlin and crushed you under the ice..."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Besides, it's not like you were rejected. I heard sounds that you two were 'jumping up and down on the bed' last night..."  
  
"That's because we were."  
  
"Figuratively speaking."  
  
"No, not figuratively speaking. We were seriously jumping up and down on the bed. She needed help because her bed was too clammy, and since she was too light, she needed me to help her."  
  
"...you are such an idiot."  
  
Piers walked away. Ashton chuckled to himself after a sigh of relief.  
  
"Ah, never knew he was that gullible."  
  
~THE EN...~  
  
"Wait!"  
  
"Uh, what?" Ashton asked.  
  
"Whatever happened to OUR valentines?" Mikaa asked.  
  
"Yeah, I wanna know!" Sheba yelled.  
  
"Use your imaginations." Ashton said.  
  
"No, tell us!" Rainchild insisted. The crowd of fanfic writers and Golden Sun party members agreed.  
  
"Oh, alright. You were all rejected."  
  
"!!"  
  
The sounds of Ashton being pounded on lasted for an hour...  
  
~THE END.~  
  
Seriously.  
  
It's the end this time.  
  
I'm serious. There's no hentai.  
  
Why won't you leave me alone?  
  
GO AWAY, DAMMIT!  
  
Seriously, this is the end now.  
  
Okay, fine, you asked for it.  
  
*Snaps fingers.*  
  
*Jenna and Felix walk in.*  
  
Oh, you don't want to see it after all? Good then.  
  
~END~ 


End file.
